thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
