I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
