you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
