Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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