when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
