so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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