he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize