I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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