first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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