i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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