I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
