just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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