Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
