I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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