I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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