the day after is always just damage control
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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