It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
