tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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