How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
