Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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