he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
