I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
