No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
