at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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