Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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