Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
