Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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