dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
