Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
