Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
