Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
