On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
