3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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