dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
