Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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