there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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