i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
