And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
