Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
