she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
