I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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