his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
