If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
