Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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