Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
