i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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