Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
