I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
