he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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