everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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