She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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