Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
