Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
