the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
