I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
