dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
