she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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