Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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