Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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